littlelifelines.com is committed to privacy, service and most of all upsetting people's delicate sensibilities. This policy outlines our ongoing obligations to you in respect of how we manage your Personal Information and is completely ripped off from like every website ever, so you get the gist but here we go anyway.
What is Personal Information and Why Do We Collect It?
Personal Information is information or an opinion that identifies an individual, such as shoe size and favourite colour.
Examples of Personal Information we collect include: names, addresses, email addresses, phone and facsimile numbers, and blood and stool samples. This Personal Information is obtained in many ways including interviews, correspondence, by telephone and facsimile, by email, via our website, from third parties, morse code, torture and telepathy. We don’t guarantee website links or policy of authorised third parties or that you'll look good in that shirt.
We collect your Personal Information for the primary purpose of providing our services to you, providing information to our clients and marketing. And by marketing, we mean maybe letting you know there's a new book out maybe once a year if Nick has even managed that. We may also use your Personal Information for secondary purposes closely related to the primary purpose, in circumstances where you would reasonably expect such use or disclosure.
When we collect Personal Information we will, where appropriate and where possible, explain to you why we are collecting the information and how we plan to use it. Usually for blackmail. But seriously, we're basically just not dicks who give out your details to everyone or spam the shit out of you with stupid dumb bullcrap because some idiots still seem to think that works in this day and age.
A cookie is a small piece of text sent to your browser by a website you visit and is also a delicious snack (unless it has raisins in it, in which case it is a dirty piece of shit). Cookies are used for many purposes, such as metrics, making ads more relevant to you, counting visitors, help signing up for services, protecting data and feeding spasticated furry blue monsters. They help a website to remember information about your visit, like your preferred language, ice-cream toppings and other settings. This can make your next visit easier and a site more useful to you. Cookies play an important role. Without them, that greedy fat fuck Santa would get hungry and using the web would be a much more frustrating experience.
Where reasonable and practicable to do so, we will collect your Personal Information only from you. However, in some circumstances we may be provided with information by third parties. In such a case we will take all reasonable steps to ensure that you are made aware of the information provided to us by such third party, but people usually get drunk at parties so we might forget who you are by the morning anyway.
Disclosure of Personal Information
Your Personal Information may be disclosed in a number of circumstances including the following:
- third parties where you consent to the use or disclosure; and
- where required or authorised by law; and
- when we're being bribed.
Security of Personal Information
Your Personal Information is stored in the fridge, a manner that reasonably protects it from misuse and loss and from unauthorised access, modification or disclosure. Even though we write your name on it, sometimes it gets eaten by that dick you work with, which is really irritating because now you have to go to the canteen and their sandwiches suck so bad that you cried that one time you chewed down on eggshell. When your Personal Information gets mouldy and is no longer needed for the purpose for which it was obtained, we will take reasonable steps to destroy or permanently de-identify your Personal Information from itself, like getting it drunk and driving out into the woods to dump it there in the cold and unforgiving night.
Access to Your Personal Information
You have the right to access the Personal Information we hold about you and to update and/or correct it, subject to certain exceptions. If you wish to access your Personal Information, please contact us.
littlelifelines.com will not charge any fee for your access request, but may charge an administrative fee for providing a copy of your Personal Information because it is a bother and time is money and we're really supposed to be working on that thing right now.
In order to protect your Personal Information we may require identification from you before releasing such information or at the very least a note from your mother or doctor.
Maintaining the Quality of Your Personal Information
It is an important part of providing our services to you that your Personal Information is up to date. We take reasonable steps to make sure that your Personal Information is accurate, complete and up-to-date.
It is important that you advise us at the earliest opportunity of any changes to your Personal Information so that our records can be updated.
This Policy may change from time to time, but more specifically from 6:15 to 9 o'clock on Wednesdays. We may let you know about any changes, but we might forget or we also might not want to bore you to death.
God, this is bullshit.
Please don't complain. It's unbecoming.
If you absolutely must, you can submit your complaint in writing or you can direct your complaint to a licensed therapist in your area who is trained to meet your needs.